This is Part 2 to the article How to Raise Self-Esteem and Gain Confidence Part 1. In this article I will talk about how jealousy affects our self-esteem and how to use Basic PEAT to effectively get rid of jealousy and thus raise self-esteem.
A client came to me with a following problem. Whenever she would start succeeding in life, be it in career, relationships, money, or other area, she would almost immediately start sabotaging it – either by procrastinating and being lazy with her business affairs, by not fulfilling her promises to her clients, by spending money extravagantly, or by straining her relationship with her lover. It seemed like she could not gain control over this pattern of behavior. Such seesaw behavior had been draining her energy. As soon as things went bad, she again felt motivated to take action and take care of things. But when things would start to look up, her interest in continuing to improve her affairs would be lost. Then she would beat herself up for losing interest in the matters and feel really depressed about it. This pattern severely affected her self-esteem and made her feel like an unaccomplished loser.
With a “pattern” problem like this, I usually use Deep PEAT technique to get a client quickly to the root of her problem. It was fascinating what came up in the session with this lady. In all of my sessions, a client makes her own insights and findings about her challenging situation and eventually resolves it. I serve only as a facilitator, I do not analyze or provide insights (unless asked). So all the analysis and deduction provided below is done by my client herself and I am thankful to her for letting me use it in this article.
My client grew up in the formerly Soviet Ukraine. The heavily promoted mentality of “the collective” and “social equality” prevalent at those times strongly affected my client’s beliefs. During her session, she realized that subconsciously she was afraid of succeeding in life because she had formed a belief that being too successful raised suspicion and created a lot of jealousy from people. She feared sticking out from the crowd, being the “black sheep,” and therefore, she continually sabotaged any of her successes. She did not want to cause any animosity from her friends and wanted to fit in, so instead she made a decision to be like everyone – mediocre.
On the other hand, she wanted a better life and better things for herself, and, ironically, attracted extremely successful people into her circle of friends. To her own surprise, my client discovered that she was secretly jealous of her successful friends and resented them.
The incongruence between her desires and beliefs created the seesaw pattern of behavior in her life. It is understandable – how can she be successful, if she disapproved of success and resented successful people?
When you are jealous of someone, you are subconsciously feeling inferior to them in a certain way and this strongly hurts your self-esteem. Jealousy also causes resentment and disapproval of others. When you are disapproving of others, you are subconsciously sending a message to yourself that you can accept yourself only under certain conditions. You may also decide that you had better act in certain ways in order to be accepted in this world. This leads to self-criticism and self-limitation which in turn causes low self-esteem. You can experience higher self-esteem when you stop being jealous.
In the process of the session, she remembered the people toward which she felt jealousy and resentment and the events in which these feelings arose. We used Basic PEAT to release these emotions from those events, which helped her accept the people and accept herself being successful. This resulted in the feelings of confidence, self-acceptance and self-respect.
To raise your self-esteem I suggest that you accept all the people of whom you are jealous. The beauty of Basic PEAT technique is that it creates the feeling of acceptance automatically. You do not need to struggle with the process of accepting people: as long as you follow the steps, the shift of attitude happens on its own.
- Make a list of all the people you are jealous of. It could be because you think they are in a better situation than you are or possess a quality that you have less of or lack completely.
- If possible, remember situations in which you experienced jealousy for each person (especially if it was the first time). Rate how strong was the feeling of jealousy. Do Basic PEAT on each situation or all situations one-by-one until the rating goes down to 0.
- OR – If you can’t remember a situation and it is just a general feeling, then notice where in your body this feeling is located and work with that awareness. Rate its strength and do Basic PEAT on this feeling until it is 0.
You can read about Basic PEAT steps in the FREE manual that you can download by registering on the front page. Or you can learn about and pre-register for the upcoming online seminar on The Unique and Simple Self Improvement System that uses Basic PEAT here.